It’s important to note that I didn’t even know what a calorie was and, apart from thinking it was fuel, I had no funny thoughts about food.

That quickly changed when one of the coaches – not mine – said: “You’ll need to start thinking about your weight if you want to run quick, Hollie.” That comment planted a seed in my head that didn’t need to be planted.

From that day on I constantly thought about what went into my mouth. Food became my enemy. I developed an eating disorder.

At the time I didn’t know what it was. It wasn’t until I heard other athletes discussing eating disorders that I realised I had one. I lived in denial. I was losing weight rapidly but I felt great and was running fast.

My life was governed by food. It was a nightmare. I’ll never forgive the coach who said those words to me.

This particular eating disorder came and went pretty quickly. My coach at the time, Ben Bright, had some harsh words, saying he would refuse to coach me unless I sorted myself out. That hit home. My parents also discovered what was going on.

Stopping wasn’t easy. I didn’t tell any friends, though I did have help from my psychologist, Joce Brooks, and a nutritionist called Jacqueline Birtwisle. I cannot put into words how grateful I was for their support.

After making my debut at the 2008 Olympics and winning the world under-23 title a year later, 2010 became very dark. The coaching and squad structure changed dramatically at my base in Loughborough and I hated it.

Ben and I drifted apart and I wanted to leave Loughborough, but British Triathlon wanted me to stay. I really had to battle for the right to move.

My lack of control and the endless fighting with my governing body saw me turn back to my old ways. My eating disorder returned. What I ate became the one thing I could control in my life. I kept everything secret. I lost a lot of weight but kept lying to people that it was just because I was running more.

The eating disorder followed me to my new training location in Leeds.

With new coaches, new athletes and new friends, I don’t think people realised what was going on. I was on my own and didn’t want to speak up. In February 2011, I finally made a cry for help, admitting everything to Joce and my parents. This time I was too far gone and we had to work so hard to get me better.

In June last year, I decided the only way to recover was to break the vicious cycle and leave Leeds. I called Michelle Dillon, a two-time Olympian in triathlon and now a successful coach.

Michelle guessed what had been going on. I asked her if she would coach me and she said yes. That was the day I put eating disorder round two to bed.

Over the past few months, Michelle has helped me so much with my thoughts around eating but in February this year a new problem emerged. I was diagnosed with stress fractures in each shin.

At first I just wanted to swim and cycle like mad because I was determined not to let the injury get the better of me. That determination lasted a month, and then I cracked.

I was in tears at training, I was tired and I was lost. Looking back, I was proud I didn’t turn back to old ways of controlling myself through food, but I ended up being diagnosed with depression.

This is the first time I’ve spoken about this publicly, and is the reason why I have to say goodbye to my elite sporting career. I don’t ever want to go back to those dark, lonely times.

Don’t get me wrong. I have had some amazing experiences in triathlon. I leave the sport as an Olympian, a double world champion, a national champion and also someone who was once ranked world No 1.

But those great times do not outweigh the miserable times. I don’t want to risk my health again, not just my mental health, but my physical health.

I want to be happy.

So what now? I am excited at what the future holds. I have learnt so much from my experiences in sport and want to use my knowledge to help others.

One day I would love to set up a charity to help young female athletes with eating disorders. I feel it’s rife in our sport and lots of girls suffer in silence.

It’s not just triathlon. There are many other sports where eating disorders develop. I want to encourage young females to strive for their dreams, just as I did, but I also want them to be helped when obstacles get in their way.

I believe life has chapters and this is the end of one of mine.

Although I am sad to be hanging up the race shoes, I’m proud of what I’ve overcome.

Article taken from www.telegraph.co.uk

I know I have left a lot of news out as there has been so much racing lately, but if you feel you need to read a little more go to my links page(on the right, under extra content) to find the websites with all the news.

Til next time.

Train Smart and be safe.

Nobody who ever gave his best regretted it.~ George Halas

Cheers,

T